Doctor Delts may be taking a break from his nearly constant habit of buying new exercise equipment. I don’t know how he has been able to afford buying so much, although he has alluded to some inherited money from an eccentric uncle. This odd relative gave up answering his mail for the last two years of his life, and he was so well-heeled that he suffered no ill effects from doing that, aside from having a pile of mail in his foyer about the size of a small sedan. So Delts could save some real money by stopping buying gear. But whenever Delts tries to stop one of his funny habits, something else will emerge.
I’m Available 24/7, Especially For 24-Year-Olds
Smart phone addiction is ubiquitous. Never one to ignore a trend, Delts jumped on the bandwagon with gusto. He started by interrupting his workout by playing with his phone after almost every exercise. He can’t quite decide on whether he likes Facebook or Twitter better, so he just updates both constantly. If he gets a message from one of his female admirers, answering that becomes top priority.
But things took a dangerous turn this week. There was an MMA fight he wanted to watch, but he still wanted to get his workout in. The match was at 8:00, and that happened to be the only time he could make it to the gym that day. He told me this when I met him at the gym, and he explained that he was going keep up with the bout in real time on Twitter. I didn’t realize how far he would go with that.
Be Sure to Use While Operating Heavy Machinery
It began simply enough. Just as many do, he would look at his phone while waiting for someone to get done with a machine. Sometimes he would nod approvingly or pump his fist when reading of his preferred contestant executing a triangle choke or other nasty maneuver.
But then he somehow decided that he was going to keep up on Twitter while bench pressing. It’s true that people bench press using a lackadaisical grip and get away with it. So he used a close grip so he could hold his phone in his right hand while pressing with both hands.
Multi-Tasking, There’s a Sap For That
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked.
“I know, I know, but I’m using half the usual amount of weight”, he responded, as if this were a reasonable answer. I got up there and spotted him in order to defend him from himself. Using his thumb, he kept pressing ENTER so that he could see the Tweeted fight action. He even responded to one message with the following:
That could be a secret Brazilian Jujitsu code, I guess. Anyway, he managed to finish his sets without dropping the barbell on himself. Then he did a quick set up pullups, conceding that phoning wasn’t possible during that exercise.
Ultimate Falling Championship: Say Good Night, Gracie
Then he moved to the treadmill, figuring that he was home free, even though the fight was still underway. He got up to a brisk jog while clicking for updates. Monica walked by behind him and said, “Hey, Delts”. Delts turned to see who it was, just far enough to lose his balance. His legs went out from under him, and he landed hard on his side, right on the treadmill. The treadmill belt kept going and dragged him, ejecting him onto the floor. As he fell, his phone went flying right towards me. I ducked, and the phone bounced off the concrete wall, shattering its glass screen.
Delts got up, dazed and sporting an impressive red welt where he had cozied up to the conveyor belt.
“Are you taking phone anger management training from Naomi Campbell, or is it Russell Crowe?” I asked.
“Who won the fight?” he asked, somewhat disoriented.
“Delts 1, iPhone 0”, I replied.